To My Mother in Heaven

A few months ago, I lost my mentor in a long and courageous battle with cancer. She has always admired me and her journey has been impressive and inspiring as I now experience her strength on a whole different level.

About a week ago, my husband posted on Facebook how he took the time to write her a heavenly letter and how his traumatologist recommended it. And he found it extremely therapeutic. It struck a nerve with me because the anniversary of my mother’s death is fast approaching.

I still have so many emotions when I think of her that I thought I could release some of the pent-up grief, frustration and sadness I feel when it comes to her. Although I do not believe that my grief will ever really end, I believe that there is (or should be) a time limit to grief. And I am prepared to communicate this not only in words, but in a personal letter.

I will share this letter here, but I think that sometimes we just learn how to deal with it better and hide our pain until we can cope with it. Some days will simply be better than others, and as long as we continue to live in this world and find joy, we will be good.

I tried to finish this letter because it provoked many emotions, but I know that I did not unleash all my emotions. I think it helped a little bit that I enjoyed the feeling of speaking to you and I am glad I did.

I have learned how to use my enormous emotions forever, but through communication I heal. I want to help other people to know that you are never completely alone, that there is someone somewhere who feels like you and that we have to come together and strengthen each other. It’s not essentially a Facebook or a blog post about connecting with like-minded people, but it’s communication.

I hate it when I know I never had the chance to say goodbye to you, but I don’t want to be happy in heaven, I want you to be here with me. I’m not sure what to do. I’m sorry you had to go so fast, even though I didn’t want to because I was happy for you.

I want you back to my everyday life, and I am glad that you were the first person to call me when I was upset, scared, confused or happy.

I know you were very frustrated and it was difficult for me in the end, but I know I was very frustrated. I miss your advice, your jokes, even on the worst days, and I’m sorry to miss you.

I miss you every day, mother, and I pray that you will see my achievements and even my worries, but I am also sorry that I have to miss the days without you.

You have always been my biggest cheerleader and fan, and I am grateful to you for supporting me in heaven and helping me when I was still alive.

I am honored to have been the first to teach the concept of unconditional love, which is the best gift you have given me in my life. I hope that I will continue to make you proud.